You often say things that don't go through you brains. You often do things siding people and don't realise it. You often get mad at the little things and we often argue.

But ,

How is it that I love you and I've miss you?

I'm so hurt now I want to slap myself. Seriously. I wish sometimes you think before you speak. Things you say and things you insult and things you criticize on. I'm too hurt to apologies for things I didn't meant to say. I'm to hurt to make things right again. But you don't understand.

I cried at night, every night until my tears go dry. I want to sigh so much that I feel empty inside. I don't want to be chose over or to be sided off. I want to feel how they felt. And I want to be treated equally. But you never understood that.

I kept trying and trying to hold in what I feel. I try to keep in my anger and my jealousy. I want to explain but I never had a chance to. I was yelled at, screamed at, turn your back at. Eventually you gave up on me. I don't understand why.

But I blame myself for saying such hurtful words. I believe you were hurt too. But I was hurt too. Maybe more than how you felt. To the max, to the core, to the bits of every cells of my body, I am too hurt to do anything. I'm done with crying, crying doesn't help. I'm not doing anything reckless or anything to prove that you're wrong. I'm just done with everything because I'm too hurt. I'm so tired of giving in. I just hope you understand.

For all the years you've known me, I sure do hope you know what kind of person I am. I wonder if you knew. I wonder if you really knew. What I really need from others and what are the things I'm not good at. I'm pretty much lack of attention. No doubt about that. And I need people to understand. Sometimes I hope people read minds. Then it would be easier than telling. I need every single attention there is. More than ever. And the slightest hurtful things would just break me into pieces. The slightest, the tiniest, to the smallest craziest things there is. I just need it and I hope you understand.

Instead of looking only at my bad points, I wish you do look at my good points. I may not have much but I'm sure I'm not all bad. I don't have bad intentions or bad thoughts so that doesn't make me bad. All I need was the slightest talks about my good side instead of forever criticizing and insulting my bad part. Everyone has feelings and if someone have their downs so much, they'll just turn crazy one day.

I don't want to feel crazy. I don't want to have a need to go see a doctor. I don't want to explain again and again but nobody understands. I'm tired of crying, tired of sighing, tired of screaming, tired of explaining. All I need is you sitting back and think in my shoes once in a while.

I tried to change, I really really did. It wasn't hard when you compromise with what I gave in for. But things change just so fast. Why do we argue so much? Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. Every single conversation. Why. Why. Why. Why is that that we lost someone already, we still can't be good to each other? He was loved dearly by the both of us and we lost him. Why can't we still be good?

Sigh.

I often feel sorry towards you. I often wonder why was I even born to make your life so hard. It sickens me. Tears me apart. I often feel sorry for the words I said. I often feel sorry that I was never as good as them. Really I am. I was constantly trying my best in another corner. Did you realise? How I want to catch your attention? I doubt so. Because they have already blinded you.

I just miss you.

And I feel too sorry towards you.

Sigh.

:'(